February 22, 2010

Tips for phrases you should NOT allow yourself to say to your sweetheart

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:45 pm by g3space

Research shows that the quality of a couple’s friendship plays a huge
role in their happiness with their marriage’s romance and passion.

Kindness and helpfulnssssess may not sound like particularly sexy
qualities, but turns out – they are. A recent  New-Gen cartoon
summed this up perfectly. A guy in an SUV is talking into his cell
phone: “Hey, baby, I just dropped the kids off at school, and now I’m
going to the grocery store, and then I’m going home and unloading the
car – am I making you hot?”

I’m working hard to nag less, to say “Thanks” more often, to be more
light-hearted, and to stop slinking away when I see the Big Man doing
a task.

I’m also trying to “fight right” – to use gentle words, keep a sense
of humor, and let the sun go down on my anger.

Here are some phrases I’ve eliminated (I hope) from my conversation.
I’ve learned that you just can’t say such things if you’re trying to
fight right:

Don’t start.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Haven’t we already had this conversation?
Can’t we talk about this later?
Never mind (sigh), it’s not important.
You always do that.
For once, could you XXX without making a big deal about it?
Enough already.
Can’t we just go?
My personal favorite: Can I tell you one thing? (The Big Man has
learned to answer “No!”).

Here’s a truly horrible phrase that I actually did say once, and I
writhe with shame every time I remember it: “I have started hating myself ” Aaaaack!
Can you imagine?

Five tips for how to FIGHT RIGHT with your sweetheart…

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:15 pm by g3space

Many couples try to “solve” their problems, when in fact, many
problems can’t be solved. How much time to spend with the in-laws, how
to spend money, How to acccepting others as they are, how to discipline children, who does various chores…these arguments will happen over and over. They aren’t problems that can be permanently fixed.

So one thing I’ve thought a lot about is how the Big Man and I can
fight right. How can we have arguments that are productive and loving,
not exhausting, unpleasant, and pointless?

I’m much more likely to tackle a subject. The Big Man tries to avoid
an argument at all cost – usually, with the simple tactic of not
answering me when I raise some difficult issue – which just makes me
madder, of course.

I can’t say that I’ve made a huge amount of progress, but these are
the tips I’m trying to follow, in order to fight right:

1. Joke about the conflict. This is hardest for me, but also the most
effective. For example, seemingly out of pure cussedness, the Big Man
often refuses to give me information – silly things, like what was the rest of the sentence which he stopped in half a way or which I couldn’t hear properly due to network probem( anyway that’s, not my mistake for sure). It drives me crazy. Sometimes he never stops questioning me when I am in trouble, I know its’ his way of dealing with it.The last time he did it, I managed to say, “Are you my principal? Why is everything
around here seems like my school days?” He laughed, I laughed, and I
felt a lot better. He hasn’t changed his behavior, but I’ve lightened
up about it.

2. Take a break. Marriage expert John Gottman recommends a
twenty-minute recess if an argument gets too heated. This strategy
works well, but it’s tough to think to do it when you’re in the midst
of a fight. Sometimes it happens by chance, when the phone rings or
the dog throws up.

3. Throw money at the problem. Hiring a servant  to do house hold chores,
buying prepared food( sometimes), or getting a babysitter once a week might eliminate a source of friction. Peace in a relationship is a high
happiness priority, so this is a place to spend money if it can help.

4. Hug and kiss.  This goes a long way – especially during an argument, when a quick hug or even sound of kiss through phone can transform the mood. To optimize the flow of mood-boosting chemicals like oxytocin and serotonin, hold your hug for at least six seconds.

5. Make “repair attempts.” During a fight, make gestures to keep
things from getting too ugly. Laugh; throw in a comment like, “I know
what you’re talking about,” “I see what you mean,” or “I’m trying to
do better,”; admit where you’re wrong, and most important – I have to
remind myself of this often – let the fight end. Let it go. Have the
discussion, then change the subject.

five tips for giving good praise..:.

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:56 am by g3space

 

I’m a praise junkie.( for me praise just means praise, that sincere ones; not-at-all flattering stuffs) I really, really need those gold stars. I know I’ve got to get over it. One of my most important happiness-project resolutions is “Don’t expect praise or appreciation.” I think about that resolution every day. But guys, it’s hard to keep.

For example, I just went through a major self improvement project – and I mean MAJOR – that took a lot of time and effort on my part. Which, I admit, I accomplished with a minimum of grace. I tried, oh how I tried, but I just couldn’t muster it.

As I’ve done before, I begged the Big Man to manipulate me with praise! I urged him to sucker me into doing this project cheerfully by heaping gold stars on me! But he wouldn’t.(brutally honest)

I know the way to happiness is to be FREE of the craving for praise,not to need someone to pat me on the back. I know that. I should be the source of my own sense of satisfaction, of happiness; I should know that I’ve done a job well and not depend on someone else’s opinion.

. But I still crave praise – and because the
closest and easiest source would be the Big Man, I get frustrated when he won’t give it to me. Which he doesn’t. Yes, I know that’s not his job, and that I shouldn’t depend on him for it. Like I said, I’m working on not needing it.

Recently, as I fumed about all the ways in which the Big Man wasn’t feeding my praise addiction, these tips occurred to me. They apply to all kinds of relationships — friendship, work, romance, family. It’s nice to be able to give praise effectively; it means a lot to people to receive sincere praise — even people more mature than I( I admit am helplessly mature in some specific matters n am working on it also).

So here comes 5 g3 spl fool proof tips for giving good praise

1. Be specific. You read this in a lot of parenting advice: praise means more when it’s specific than when it’s general. “What a beautiful painting!” is less gratifying than “Look at all the colors you’ve used! And I see you used all your fingers with the finger paints. You’ve really made your picture look like a spring garden!”
This is true, for adults, too. “Great job,” is less satisfying than an enumeration of what, exactly, was done well.

2. Acknowledge the actor.

The Big Man has a habit of saying something complimentary without acknowledging that I had anything to do with whatever result he’s talking about. For example, , he looked around once and remarked, “This really turned out well.” As if some deus ex machina had brought these changes overnight.
Aaargh.Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

3. The effusiveness and time spent in giving praise should be commensurate with the difficulty and time intensiveness of the task.If a task was quick and easy, a hasty “Looks great!” will do; if a task was protracted and difficult, the praise should be more lengthy and descriptive. Also, you might bring up the praise more than once.

4. Remember the negativity bias. The “negativity bias” is a
well-recognized psychological phenomenon: people react to the bad more strongly and persistently than to the comparable good. For example,within marriage, it takes at least five good acts to repair the damage of one critical or destructive act(same law is applicable to people in love). So if you want to praise someone,remember that one critical comment will wipe out several positive comments, and will be far more memorable. To stay silent, and then remark something like, “It’s too bad that that door couldn’t befixed,” will be perceived as highly critical.

5. Praise the everyday as well as the exceptional. When people do something unusual, it’s easy to remember to give praise. But what about the things they do well every day without any recognition? It never hurts to point out how much you appreciate the small services and tasks that someone unfailingly performs. Something like, “You know what? In three years, I don’t think you’ve ever been even an hour late with the weekly report.” After all, we never forget to make a comment when someone screws up.

If anyone has any tips for how to free yourself from the craving for praise, send them my way! I really need them. The need for praise is such an ingrained part of my personality that I doubt I’d be able to change completely, but I can do better.

7 How-to-be-happy Lessons That Kids Can Teach Us

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:39 am by g3space

Attracting Abundance.
You do not have to look very far to learn how to be happy. In fact,there are no expensive workshops or courses to take, or books that you need to read. You do not even need to sit in meditation to gain great insights. Well, if you are seeking for happiness, then notice who around  you seems to be happy all day? That’s right – kids!

Laughter is a natural thing with kids. If you spend some time playing with them, it is easy to get infected with their happy smiles. While there are moments that kids get upset,(now am being nostalgic, memories of lil g3.) you find that you can learn a thing or two from them about forgetting their anger just as quickly. It is also possible that you start to remember a time when you used to be a kid and how life seemed so easy and without worries.

If anything, here are 7 ways that you can learn from kids on how to happy:

Living in the present
Kids have a wonderful way of living one moment at a time. Their feelings are often based on events as they happen. They are mostly joyful. At times, they may feel negative and this usually happens in a fight over toys or games. However, as soon as they get distracted with something new, they no longer hold on to their negative emotions.
Instead, they are happy once again.

As adults, we tend to remain angry or upset even way after the event.We are experts in accumulating anger in an internal storehouse. Our minds get stuck a lot in the past. We do not live in the present moment as it is now. It is hard to be happy when we have no present
moment awareness.

Single Focus While Doing Things
When a child is playing a tag, he is playing tag. He is not playing tag and thinking about the picture he will draw later and the block castle he will build tomorrow morning. He is single focused.

As adults, we get stressed because we pile on many things into asingle moment. We overwhelm ourselves with our “to do” list.Unfortunately, in trying to multi-task, our mind gets detracted from being present in each task. We end up rushing through time. There is no space for slowing down, let alone breathe. At the very worst, with
so many things to do, we end up not accomplishing much.
So, if you find it hard to cope, slow down a little. Be single focused.( it can do miraculous change) in the things that needs to be done first. After you finish, then move on to the next down your list. You find life more of a breeze, when you can reduce the number of things you need to do at any one point in time.

Use of Imagination
Kids are always using their imagination, whether they are playing a game or drawing a picture. They love pretend play and are intrigued by stories about magic, dreams and what seems humanly impossible. If you think about it, imagination is the seed of the feeling of joy. When
you indulge in your dreams, endorphins are released, giving you a nice warm sensation.

It is funny that how as adults we have forgotten about using our imagination. School has trained us to be more left-brained and analytical. We also become more rigid in the way we do things and our expectations. Then, when events do not happen according to plan, we become very unhappy. We are less open to new possibilities, because we have lost our sense of imagination.

The future is limitless
To many kids, everything in life is possible. The sky is the limit andthey have their whole lives ahead of them. There is no reason for them to feel as if time is working against them.

Well, you can adopt the very same attitude and not be held hostage by time considerations. It is never too late. If there is something you have been waiting to do with your life, then go for it. The last you want would be a life of regret. Joy escapes you when you allow life to
become stale.

Always Joyful
Children are always happy because they find joy in little things. They get excited when they see a butterfly, jump over a puddle or get to go to Parks. They do not over analyze situations and do not assume the worst in people or situations. They keep things simple.

To remind yourself about being joyful, keep a gratitude journal. List down the many blessings that you currently enjoy in your life.Additionally, on a regular basis, do something small that makes you happy like reading one chapter of a book you like or taking a walk in
the park.

Inherent Goodness and Trust in Others
Children have an inherent goodness about them. They do not intend to hurt anyone and they do not naturally think that anyone would want to hurt them. With no such ill intent or worries, it is easy to be just
happy all day!

Imagine what the world would be like if everyone could play and work nicely together. Adults should learn from kids to put aside their differences and care for each other. Love creates happiness.

Absolute Faith In Getting Their Wishes Fulfilled
It is amazing how kids can have so much faith that their wishes will be granted. Ever get badgered by your kids until you “cave” in to give them what they want? Believe me; it is not easy to stay firm when youare up against their cheeky smiles.( my lil brother taught me this)

Another example I can think of is about the wishes of kids to see the world. They talk about their travel plans all the time. There was never a shred of doubt that their wishes will be granted one day.

Do we hold as much faith in our own dreams? Probably not. We are too encumbered by unnecessary worries. We limit ourselves by our beliefs.If things are not working in our favor, we may even choose to give up half way and ditch our dreams(i didn’t get anyother word rather than Ditch.do pardon authors’ limited vocabulary)
In conclusion, to be happy, reconnect with the inner child in you. Be around kids if it helps. If you do not have any, check out your local playground. Better yet, volunteer some time at a Children’s Orphanage.( it helps you individuality in many other ways also)
Bring out the imaginative, joyful, and trusting qualities in you. By becoming more child-like, you are well on your way to becoming less of a stress bag.

5 tricks to avoid a couple fight

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:23 am by g3space

I’ll admit I’m wrong if you’d tell me
I’m so sick of fights I hate them
Lets start this again for real
Blink 182 ~ Always ~

Well we’ve all had our share of couple fights, for various reasons;some end peacefully, but in most cases the outcome is not good at all.So why not avoid these fights, when possible? The most concentrated way of putting this is: speak your mind but listen to his/her point of view too and release the negative energy without doing things you will most definetly regret afterwards. But since things are often much harder, I’m gonna try and put  this in a simpler and detailed way.

1. No insults

When we’re nervous, we often tend to say things we regret afterwards;even “light” insults which said to a different person in a different context wouldn’t matter very much, are hard to digest in a couplefight. You should pay attention to this even before the fight breaks
out; when you feel the tension is gathering try to calm yourself,don’t insult and furthermore don’t give any nasty responses. Just try to be as chill as possible, and although it seems impossible it’s easier than it seems. Try to understand that if you lose your nerve things will be even worse.

2. Mind your tone
Sometimes, saying a thing using a certain voice can mean a totally different things than if you were using a different tone. Most of us have the natural tendency to raise their voices and use a more annoyed tone. This can be controlled, and should, because it can have a soothing effect instead of a provoking one. Learning to control your
voice is also something very useful in day to day life and can be extremely useful in some situations, such as holding a public speech.

3. Don’t say bad things about his/her family or friends
Even if it’s true! You’d be surprised to find out how many fights break out because of such a cause; especially when it’s about the family. Also, think that during a fight your special one is much more vulnerable to bad things about loved ones and he or she will definetly be hurting from hearing such things. If you care about his/her feelings, you should really refrain from doing this.

4. ‘Told you so’ is wrong
If you were right and things went bad because your advice was not listened, don’t throw it in his/her face; even if this doesn’t seem to be the case, your special one always knows you said so, but in most cases just won’t admit, preferring to just take a mental note. Just have a bit of trust in the person and instead of making a point, try
to do something useful and lend some help.

5. Don’t compare
Fights often start because of a careless word that escalades into a way bigger thing. The most common example is when you compare your partner with others; not necessarily your ex-(es), but just other people. You can say your man is not as smart as Einstein or your woman is not as beautiful as Aiswarya Rai, they’ll probably still take it personal, because nobody loves to be compared with others.

Those are just the most common cases of fight starters, but following these advices could be the key to avoiding many couple trouble.

 But all these represent just a single thing, known since the dawn of civilisation: if you care about your partner, be respectful.

Things We Hate to Admit

Posted in Life tips, Uncategorized at 7:12 am by g3space

  

We are our worst enemy. We make mistakes, but struggle to admit them. In some cases we try to justify our bad actions and motives, only to have our self deception heighten our mistakes.

To grow and develop we need to develop the capacity for honesty and self evaluation. It is only when we can admit where we are going wrong that we can start to put things right.

The following are some common things many of us struggle to admit. Can you see yourself in any of these?

Other’s Faults are Our Own

It is easy to pick fault with other people. In fact, often we gain a subtle enjoyment from highlighting the faults of others. If we are truly honest, however, we will see that when we criticize other people we actually have the very same weakness ourselves. Perhaps we may not make this mistake quite as frequently or as badly, but we still share it to some extent.

A funny example is how frequently people will say things like, “X is such a terrible gossip, and she’s always negative and criticizing other people.” We say things like this; but ironically, we are doing exactly what we are criticizing them for! Another interesting point is that often people who grow to dislike each other are often very similar. The faults and personality traits we can’t stand in other people are often traits of our own personality. I’m sure you can think of two people who dislike each other, but share many similarities in habits and personalities.

We are Wrong

Why can we find it so difficult to admit that we are in the wrong? It is because we worry about our ego and what others think. But, when we avoid the truth we only compound the situation and make things worse. We appreciate people who can admit they are wrong and then resolve to avoid repeating the mistake.

We are responsible for what happens in our life

When things go wrong we are tempted to blame other people and external events beyond our control. We feel a helpless victim and use excuses to justify our unhappiness. External events can definitely make things difficult, but, ultimately what counts is how we respond and deal with situations. Two people can live through the same experience, but come through with a completely different outlook.

If we wait for outer circumstances to be favorable, we may be continually waiting. We need to learn how to make the most of our fate. If we can retain a positive outlook and aspire to overcome difficulties we will be able to improve our fate. Our thoughts and inner state of mind have the capacity to draw things into our life. If we expect problems we will inevitably generate them in some form. If we are open to attracting good experiences then they will also come.

We Don’t Really Know What Makes Us Happy

Everyone has a long list of things they would like; material wealth, the right job etc. But, when we attain our desire, the happiness is fleeting and is inevitably merely replaced by another desire. For good reason, George Bernard Shaw quipped:

“There are two tragedies in life, one is to not get our heart’s desire and other is to get it. “

Fulfillment of outer desires can, at best, give temporary happiness. True, inner happiness depends on developing inner peace not dependent on favorable occurrences in the outer world.

We are Drawn to the Negative

Our mind is instinctively drawn to negative viewpoints. We remember our mistakes, but forget our good deeds; we pick up on the faults of others, but remain blind to their good qualities. If we read a newspaper the world seems an endless stream of problems and injustice. However, this is only one perspective on life; we spend too long in a negative frame of mind and fail to see the bigger picture. There are always weeds in a garden, but we shouldn’t forget to appreciate the flowers and feel miserable for the number of weeds.

We Cannot Change Other People

We often feel that we will be able to change other people, especially those close to us. However, in practice, we cannot be responsible for others. Sometimes if we try to force change, it only makes things worse. It means we need to develop a detachment to other people. What we can do is seek to inspire, encourage and motivate them to do the right thing. We can offer support and concern, but, ultimately, it is only the other person who can change themselves.

Stress is Often of Our Own Making

In modern life it is very easy to feel excessively busy. We can easily create things to do, leading to stressful situations. Yet, many of these self appointed tasks are not as indispensable as our ego might like to admit. There is a temptation to add tasks without evaluating how essential they are. If we are determined to create time for ourselves we can do it.

February 21, 2010

7 Common Reasons Relationships Fail

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:24 am by g3space

 

 

 Failed relationships are one of the biggest causes of stress and unhappiness in life. Working on successful relationships, whether they are with our children, parents, friends or partners, is one of the most important life skills we can learn. If we cannot maintain lasting relationships, we will always struggle to be happy.

This article looks at seven  common reasons why once harmonious relationships break down. If we know why relationships are liable to break down we can avoid the pain involved.

Jealousy

It is ironic that we can easily become jealous of our closest friends. Jealousy often occurs when there is a feeling of separation and competition. We need to learn to be happy at the success of others; it only when we can feel a sense of oneness with others achievements that jealousy will remain far away.

Also, we need to trust our partner –  a suspicious mind is very poisonous. It is better to be trusting rather always suspecting infidelity or disloyalty. Others will be rightly discomforted if we mistrust them. If our partner lets us down, it is not our fault. But, if we suspect, because of our own insecurity, we are bound to create serious problems in our own relationships.

Attachment

There is a big difference between real love and emotional attachment. When we have emotional attachment to someone, we need their attention and presence. When we have excessive attachment to others, we can easily become jealous and demanding. Often attachment occurs out of a sense of insecurity; if this is the case we need to develop self belief and inner confidence, we can’t just rely on other people to provide that. Strong relationships need a certain detachment; we need to be able to accept others for what they are, rather than expecting them to give us all their attention.

Domination

Even the closest relationships need to value the individual freedom of others. Problems will inevitably occur when we seek to dominate others. Often this takes the form of expectation. We want our son to become a certain person; we want our wife to live in a certain way.

Often people don’t realize how dominating they are. Parents justify to themselves the idea that they ‘only want the best for their children’ But, actually what they are doing is trying to live through their children. Nobody has the right to tell someone how they must live. If relationships are based on this expectation and domination, there will inevitably be conflict at some stage. The strongest relationships are based on mutual understanding and remain free of expectation.

Selfishness

Selfishness is the root of all relationship problems. When we are selfish we think of ourselves first and foremost. We ignore the needs of others and become ego centric. Ego centric people are never easy to live with; they tend to be a drain on relationships. When we are selfish we want the praise, support and backing of others; but, we are not willing to give anything in return.

True love is selfless, it is given without expectation of receiving anything in return. If we love our self the most, we will always struggle with relationships. Take time to listen to others rather than dominating the conversation; be giving rather than being permanently needy.

No Time

We have to spend time on what we value. If we always  work late, it shows where our priorities lie. If we spend no time with our partner then they will begin to feel resentful / unloved. We can always make time for things we really value; make sure your relationships don’t suffer because you have given your life away to your boss. Also, make sure you create time when your partner is the focus of attention; do things that they enjoy doing, and don’t just drag them along to your office parties.

Too Much Time

It does depends on the personality of the people involved; but some people, especially introverts, need time to themselves. If we are always with other people, the relationship can become claustrophobic. We need time to ourselves; strong relationships should be able to deal with periods of separation. This allows individual expression and individual growth.

Picking Faults

Whoever we spend time with will undoubtedly have faults. Successful relationships require a certain tolerance of others’ weaknesses. If we keep picking up on the faults of over people, expecting them to change, we create permanent tension. For example, your partner or friend may not share your judgement that they are faults. This does not mean we have to ignore when others do wrong things.

A strong relationship should be able to cope with constructive criticism and suggestions. However, we need to make sure we don’t become obsessed with noticing bad things. Rather than remembering all the bad things your partner does, make yourself think of some of the good things that they have been doing. Unfortunately, humans often seem attracted to noticing the faults of others, but, it doesn’t help relationships to do this. If you become too critical it will cause long-term problems

How to Resolve Conflicts in Your Relationships

Posted in Life tips, Uncategorized at 6:10 am by g3space

 

 Every relationship in our life – friendships, family, romantic and professional – can potentially be destroyed by conflict. The solution is not to ignore the conflict or keep moving around hoping to find a set of perfect people. We need to deal with the problems we currently face; otherwise they will just reappear elsewhere.

To a large extent, the only thing we can change in relationships is ourself and our own attitude. We can’t expect to change other people, but we can learn to deal with relationships in a way that promotes harmony and diffuses conflict. Resolving conflicts in relationships is one of the most important life skills we can develop and it is something we need to value.

Seeing the Issue from the Other Person’s Perspective

If we have a difficult issue, it is important to see the problem from the other person’s perspective. This does not mean we have to agree with their viewpoint; it means we try to see the issue from a different perspective. This empathy can at least help us to understand where they are coming from, and why they have their particular mindset. If we can do this we may wish to moderate our stance because we understand why they are acting in a certain way. If we only look at things from our perspective, conflict will be much more likely to occur. For example, a parent dealing with difficult children should consider the perspective that children can have at that point in life.

Tolerance

A major cause of conflict in relationships is when we expect people to behave in a certain way. The problem with expecting certain behavior is that we get upset when they fail to live up to our expectations. Even those close to us are not our responsibility; we need to be tolerant of their mistakes and limitations. We have to respect their decisions on how to live their life. This detachment is not indifference; we shall retain concern and goodwill, but there comes a point where we need to give people the freedom to make their own choices – even if we don’t agree with them. This is especially true for parents who have an overbearing expectation of how their children will live their lives( now you may feel that I am somewhat against parents in all my ‘ exampling processes, double wink)

Dealing with Anger

Unfortunately, if we respond to situations by getting angry we will worsen the problem. Anger embodies a feeling of aggression and condemnation which people struggle to deal with it. Invariably it encourages people to respond in a similar way. If we feel angry, the best solution is to avoid talking / arguing at that particular time. We should calm our anger before confronting other people. Any conflict will only be exacerbated by anger. Similarly, if people approach us with anger, we have to respond in a different way – silence is better than getting mad at someone.

Value Harmony

To a large extent we get what we aspire for. If we really value harmony in our relationships with others, then we will make it happen. If we give greater important to proving ourselves right and our own ego, then there will be a constant feeling of superiority and inferiority which breeds conflict. If we keep reminding ourselves of the desirability of harmony we won’t allow ourselves to become bad tempered, argumentative, complaining, unreasonable and miserable; we will work hard to think of others.

Oneness

The real secret to maintaining good relationships is generating a feeling of oneness. This means we will feel happy at the success of others; we will sympathize when they experience difficulties; we will endeavor to avoid hurting their feelings. In oneness there is no superiority and inferiority. Without oneness, we are prone to feelings of pride, jealousy and insecurity. If you feel a really genuine sense of oneness with other people, how can you want to hurt them?

Insecurity and Inner Poise

When we are full of insecurities our relationships become more difficult. The problem is that if we are insecure about ourselves we can become judgmental about other people; to make ourselves feel better we will start criticizing others. We may not be conscious of this, but it does happen. When we are peace with ourselves, good relationships will be natural. When we have inner peace and poise, we don’t rely on other people to give us security and praise. When we are at peace with ourselves, we tend to have a sympathetic and positive view of the world. Often we want to blame bad relationships on other people; but, actually the only thing we can really do is to work on ourselves, if we develop inner peace and poise our relationships will definitely improve.

Talking

When tense situations arise, talking can be the most effective way of moving past the problem. Some things are best left unsaid; it is inadvisable to bring up old conflicts unless absolutely necessary. When talking we should try to converse on positive issues; look for things which we agree on and can work together on.

Perspective

Don’t get upset about little things. In the great cosmic game, most of the minor personality conflicts are relatively insignificant. If we get mad when someone doesn’t do the washing up, how are we going to react when they do something really bad? If you find yourself getting worked up by a series of small things, take a step back and try to evaluate their relative importance. For each minor failing, try to think of a really good quality of that person. If you are sincere you will feel that this good quality is far more important than the minor indiscretion.

 

Raising Problems

Although we don’t want to bring up old scores, sometimes it is important to make another person aware of the problems they are creating. If we feel someone else is constantly doing something wrong, we need to make them aware of their behaviour in a non confrontational way. Often people just aren’t aware of the problems they are creating and may actually appreciate being made aware of the problem. The best approach is to try and make them aware of how their actions cause pain to others; but, we need to try and do it in a way that doesn’t make them feel excessively guilty. Give them room and encouragement to make the necessary change.

No conflict is intractable. If we are willing to change our attitude we can develop harmony even with difficult people. It is always important to be positive and forget the past. If we can develop harmony in our relationships, it will definitely make a big difference to our life.

My experiences say so, so are the others I counseled, I talked with.

For a better conversation, here comes some tips

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:34 am by g3space

 

Talking is such a natural act we tend to take it for granted.don’t we? But when you think about it, this life skill is crucial to the development and maintenance of strong and healthy relationships. Our talking habits can also be very revealing of our personality. Some people talk too much – they are the kind of people you try to avoid at a party. (it is the time to do some introspection and improvement- ,author realises) Others avoid talking when actually it would help quite a lot.

The following are a few suggestions of author for getting the right balance between being a talkative bore and a shy loner.

When We Talk Too Much

Nervousness / Insecurity

Sometimes we talk out of insecurity and nervousness. (Hey don’t doubt validity of author, I had faced the very same problem before some years) We feel it is our obligation to fill any silence with conversation – even if it is mostly meaningless and conversation just for the sake of it. Often, if we lack a sense of inner poise, we cover up by nervously chattering. But if we have nothing interesting, worthwhile or important to say, we should not worry about keeping quiet. Don’t feel obliged to force conversation; be at peace with yourself and allow conversation to be natural.

Talking About Yourself

Talking about yourself is the biggest mistake people tend to make. There is someone at work who is terrible at talking about himself and his activities. If you go to ask for a paper clip, you will have to endure several minutes of hearing about his recent ‘so called adventures’. Do matter how much you jiggle and signal that you are completely bored – he won’t stop his monologue. All you want is a paper clip, but you have to endure his ‘unbreakable kathi’

The general rule for talking is that we talk to serve others not ourselves. When talking we should be offering something to the other person such as humor, information, consolation, entertainment… basically anything so long as it is worthwhile for the other person. But, if we talk only about ourselves and feed our ego, we might as well just be talking to ourselves.

Hint; look at people’s body language. If they are trying to make an exit, if they have their head in their hands, if they are staring off into the distance, or if they keep trying to butt in, it means they are bored with your monologue on your new car. You can rest your vocal chords.

Gossip

Talking about people’s bad qualities, perhaps even exaggerating their mistakes and short comings, is a bad habit. It is unfortunate that social and work situations often lead to people gossiping about others. However, just because everyone else is doing it, doesn’t mean we have to join in. The problem is that we often get sucked in to criticizing others when inwardly we would rather not join in. This is a situation where there is no harm in keeping silent. People will respect someone who can remain aloof from gossipy situations. If you criticize others at the earliest opportunity you will not be trusted, but gain a reputation as an unreliable friend. It is in situations like this where there is a great dignity in maintaining silence.

Running Commentary Watching TV / Video

Sometimes a good film can be spoiled by a ‘know- it -all’ who feels obliged to offer a running commentary. One of my favorite films – Motorcycle Diaries- was ruined because two friends had a running argument about whether it was true to the book. “But, I don’t think Che can behave such a way  ….” “Yes, but, I’m sure he had a flirty nature as his zodiac sign is this,@#$%.” Does it really matter? Do everyone a favor and let us enjoy the film. One other example: the last cricket was painful enough with India playing badly; but, it was made infinitely worse because my good friends persistent and repetitive criticism of politics in players selection. When things go badly, it is not necessary to repeatedly point them out; it only makes our suffering worse.

When You Have Nothing Good to Say

My Aunty used to say. “If you can’t think of anything good to say about someone, then say nothing.” Useful advice, but, how many people put it into practice?

When We Talk Too Little

Ignoring Newcomers Because it is Too Much Effort

It is easy to become insular, we want to only talk to people whom we know. We tend to ignore newcomers because it requires extra effort and it requires us to step out of our comfort zone. However, this is a case where it is good to make an effort. Newcomers will appreciate our effort to extend a hand of friendship. By not talking to new people we become more self absorbed in a small circle of people. We should be willing to talk to new people and make them feel welcome.

Resentment

 One suggestion I made in a previous article was that it is a big mistake to bottle up resentment about other people. If we have grievances about someone else it is often helpful to talk, even if it is not about the problem directly. Talking often helps to clear the air and realize that small misunderstandings are just that – misunderstandings and not a reason to develop a dislike of the person. As long as we talk with a good attitude, without anger and resentment then talking will help to alleviate many situations.

Aloofness

Sometimes we feel almost too proud to talk to some people. We have a subtle feeling of superiority that prevents us talking to people ‘lower’ than us. For example, would you talk to the company cleaner, and get to know them by name? It is a mistake to be aloof because of different social position.

Shyness

Some people think that shyness has certain cuteness. However, shyness often prevents us from expressing our real personality and from talking people we would like to. Shyness springs from insecurity and fear about saying the wrong thing. But, this is the wrong approach; as long as we are true to our selves we should not worry about saying the wrong thing. We shouldn’t feel obliged to try and impress others. Don’t let shyness be a barrier to talking to people.

Don’t hesitate to add your points in comments.  It will help others for sure.

February 20, 2010

Emotions Do Rule Our Health

Posted in Life tips at 9:52 pm by g3space

When Christopher and Aleena died in an accident, their four children were grief-stricken. As the weeks passed, the three oldest, in their early twenties, coped with the sorrows by sharing memories and making a pact to honor their parents by excelling at college and in their chosen careers.

But Mary, a high school student, refused to take part in these family meetings. She was inconsolable, withdrawing into dark, private world. Two months after the accident she was rushed into hospital with an acute asthma attack.

In the intensive care ward, under the gentle prodding of her sister and two brothers, Mary revealed how much she had depended on her parent’s approval and encouragement. When they died she had felt a drift in a life without meaning. The other told Mary their pact and motivated her to get on with living. Soon after, the asthma remitted. Four years later Mary graduated from college at the top of her class.

Mary’s case is just among hundreds that documents the link between a person’s emotional state and disease. Most of psychosomatic diseases have it roots in emotional strain and it intensifies illness. As soon as their anxiety lefts, their health improves. In all such cases, we have only to give patient some breathing space.  

How did mental distress help bring on a disabling bodily disease? And why did Mary’s grief contribute to an asthma attack?

 Reason- emotional upset triggers a chain of events involving the brain and endocrine system. This neuro-endocrine responses affects all vital bodily processes and severe over- stimulation, however may have physical effects leading to disease.

Two patterns of reactions emerge, depending on the type of emotion.

1-Passive emotions such as grief and despair, with feelings of loss and failure, register in hippocampus, the part of brain that activates the body’s pituitary-adrenal-cortical network. Hormones like cortisol, needed for regulating of metabolism, are secreted in excess amount, if it occurs too often or too long, immune mechanism may be thrown out of order. Defenses against infections and tumors diminish. And auto -immune diseases are more likely to develop.

2- More aggressive emotions like anger and impatience, or a threat to one family, income or position, affect a different section of brain- the amygdale. (I am not quite sure about its spelling), which sets of the adrenal-medullary system. Medulla releases chemicals known as catecholamine (adrenaline is one). This increase heart rate, elevate blood pressure. And rise of free fatty acids in blood. Faced with challenge, our survival instincts prompt this response. But prolonged or repeated activation may lead to migraines, hypertension even coronary heart disease and stroke.

Everyone has setbacks in life; everyone experiences occasional losses or threats. Why do some people sail through such events, while others fall apart?  “.Effective coping involves a capacity to maintain psychological equilibrium without experiencing undue or prolonged neuro- endocrine arousal” (I learned it in a counseling class but forgot the name of the Dr who told it). “And this is enormously dependent on a person’s self –esteem and social assets, the ties that bind one to others.

Some patients have an attitude of denying this rigidly. Outwardly uncomplaining and friendly, such people shy away from life’s blows because they fear that they won’t be able to cope with them. But learning how to live with one’s emotions is important. Denying that they exist cause problems.

A sense of mastery over one’s destiny in an essential asset for good physical and emotional health. When feeling of helplessness or insignificance set in, the neuroendocrine system shifts into overdrive and disease may become far more likely.

Clearly, the behavioral doctors have helped put to rest the belief of many that life is a lottery, that disease strikes indiscriminately. What can you do to prevent your emotions from making you ill? “Learn to take care of your mind as well as your body” I would like to say. “Recognizing that emotions trigger physiological reactions- and vice versa- is half the battle. “The other half is knowing that the foundations of good health lie in love, laughter and faith in oneself. I learnt it from my life itself my dear friends”.

  • Name of patient and her family have been changed.

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