February 22, 2010

Five tips for how to FIGHT RIGHT with your sweetheart…

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:15 pm by g3space

Many couples try to “solve” their problems, when in fact, many
problems can’t be solved. How much time to spend with the in-laws, how
to spend money, How to acccepting others as they are, how to discipline children, who does various chores…these arguments will happen over and over. They aren’t problems that can be permanently fixed.

So one thing I’ve thought a lot about is how the Big Man and I can
fight right. How can we have arguments that are productive and loving,
not exhausting, unpleasant, and pointless?

I’m much more likely to tackle a subject. The Big Man tries to avoid
an argument at all cost – usually, with the simple tactic of not
answering me when I raise some difficult issue – which just makes me
madder, of course.

I can’t say that I’ve made a huge amount of progress, but these are
the tips I’m trying to follow, in order to fight right:

1. Joke about the conflict. This is hardest for me, but also the most
effective. For example, seemingly out of pure cussedness, the Big Man
often refuses to give me information – silly things, like what was the rest of the sentence which he stopped in half a way or which I couldn’t hear properly due to network probem( anyway that’s, not my mistake for sure). It drives me crazy. Sometimes he never stops questioning me when I am in trouble, I know its’ his way of dealing with it.The last time he did it, I managed to say, “Are you my principal? Why is everything
around here seems like my school days?” He laughed, I laughed, and I
felt a lot better. He hasn’t changed his behavior, but I’ve lightened
up about it.

2. Take a break. Marriage expert John Gottman recommends a
twenty-minute recess if an argument gets too heated. This strategy
works well, but it’s tough to think to do it when you’re in the midst
of a fight. Sometimes it happens by chance, when the phone rings or
the dog throws up.

3. Throw money at the problem. Hiring a servant  to do house hold chores,
buying prepared food( sometimes), or getting a babysitter once a week might eliminate a source of friction. Peace in a relationship is a high
happiness priority, so this is a place to spend money if it can help.

4. Hug and kiss.  This goes a long way – especially during an argument, when a quick hug or even sound of kiss through phone can transform the mood. To optimize the flow of mood-boosting chemicals like oxytocin and serotonin, hold your hug for at least six seconds.

5. Make “repair attempts.” During a fight, make gestures to keep
things from getting too ugly. Laugh; throw in a comment like, “I know
what you’re talking about,” “I see what you mean,” or “I’m trying to
do better,”; admit where you’re wrong, and most important – I have to
remind myself of this often – let the fight end. Let it go. Have the
discussion, then change the subject.


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