February 25, 2010

Life Taught Me this and ‘ am delighted

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:58 pm by g3space

How many times have you heard someone say, “retrospection  is always
20/20”? If you are like me, you hear it a lot and think it a lot more.
Last year Jay wrote an article listing things he wished he’d known
earlier. It got me thinking that the most crucial lessons in life and
success aren’t taught in books or written on blogs, but they are found
by living life itself.

Sure, there may be nuggets of wisdom that we pick up from books,sites,or seminar, but it is up to us individually to act upon them and learn the lessons. If it takes a failure for us to learn something important, so be it.

Here are 20 things that I personally came to understand and believe
in. Your 20 could be totally different. Perhaps you only have 5, it
doesn’t matter. The key is that you learn from your life, your
failures and your successes. Neglect any one of those and you are
taking a rocky road to learning and personal development.

1 You must create and look for opportunities: Opportunities rarely ever
come knocking on the door of someone who’s not seeking them. You have
to create and seek opportunities for yourself. You have to take the
initiative to get the ball rolling and the doors opening.

2 Negativity will only bring more of it: When you focus only on
negativity, obviously that’s all you will see. You will not seek out
positivity, and even when positivity comes into your life, you’ll look
for the negative part of it.

3 Where you are does not determine where you can go: It doesn’t matter
if you’re homeless or living in a mansion, poor or rich, or if you
have a 4.0 grade point average or “failing”, it won’t make any
difference in the future. There are countless rags to riches stories
to back this point up. If you have the drive and talents, you can go
anywhere. You create your own limitations and horizon.

4 If you can’t help others, you can’t help yourself: Even if it’s just
to hold the door for someone or some other simple gesture, it will do
wonders for your life. You’ll feel great and you’ll eventually be
returned the favor sometime during your life, whether you realize it
or not. If you don’t want to help others, then others won’t want to
help you, and nor should they.

5 Follow your passion, money will follow: If you have passion and have
fun doing your job, then I wouldn’t consider it a job. You can focus
on creating even more passion for that subject and money will
eventually follow you. If you focus only on the money, it won’t come
because you’re focused on the quantity of your work and not the
quality.

6 Enjoy yourself: Have fun as much as possible, don’t take everything so
seriously. Push your worries aside and bring enjoyment closer.

7 If it were easy everyone would do it: This is why get rich quick
schemes will never be true. If it was so quick and easy then everyone
would be millionaires. Making money and accomplishing tasks is hard
work, but well worth it.

8 Planning is good but so is being spontaneous: Planning ahead in
business and in life is important but so is being able to quickly
change that plan. Various people and events will get in the way of
your plans, so you have to be able to modify or forget your plans at
times. Be spontaneous once and awhile, it makes life interesting.

9 You have many talents: You may be a talented athlete or musician but
you probably have ten more talents you don’t even know about. When
people find something they’re good at, they only focus on that instead
of seeing what else they can do.

10 Don’t work hard without rewards: What’s the point of working hard to
follow your dreams if you aren’t going to treat yourself along the
way. Each little or big goal you accomplish should be rewarded with a
proportionate treat, maybe a day off or a big slice of cake.

11 Money does bring happiness: As I said, you shouldn’t be chasing money
but when you do earn it, you know you’ve been accomplishing something.
It feels great and brings you happiness because you know you’ll have
more freedom and time to do what you want.

12 Someone always has it worse: At times you may be having a bad day, but stop yourself and think about it; there has to be millions of other
people are having a worse day than you.

13 you’ll need others: Make as many friends as you possibly can and never burn bridges. You will need others for your success.

14 being open-minded is the key to more knowledge: If you want to know
more about the world you have to be open-minded. Give everything a
chance.

15 Failure is great: One of the most important, if not the most important
steps to success is failure. You have to fail at least once, but it’s
better if you’ve failed multiple times. You can learn so much more
from your failures than you could any other way. And when you finally
achieve success, you’ll appreciate it so much more.

16 Most people are actually nice: This is something I’ve only recently
realized. Most people are nice, but not usually to strangers. Once
they get to know you and you get to know them, they will most likely
seem like very nice people.

17 Words and thoughts control everything: What you say and think will
ultimately become reality. If you say you’re going to fail, then you
will because you’ll find a way to make it happen. If you say you’re
going to succeed, the same will happen, you’ll find a way.

18Your view is the reality: How you see an event or situation is how it
exists. If you see something as tragic and negative then that’s what
it means to you. If you see something as exciting and positive, then
that’s what it is.

19Inspiration and motivation are everywhere: I don’t care where you are,
there is something there that can motivate and inspire you. You can be
at war is some far away country, in horrible conditions, but there
will be something there to keep you going and strive for something
better. You just have to recognize it and keep it with you.

20 You can change the world: Every single person has the ability to
change the world whether directly or indirectly. When you change your
life and the lives of those around you, you’ve changed the world.
Small things that you do can make a huge impact on the world.

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February 24, 2010

Eight tips for making yourself happier IN THE NEXT HOUR.

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:03 pm by g3space

You can make yourself happier – and this doesn’t have to be a
long-term ambition.Over the long term, habits like getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, and making time for friends and family make a huge difference to your happiness. But if you’re experiencing a blues-emergency, you can lift your spirits right now by using some of the following strategies. The more items you tackle, the bigger the boost you’ll receive.

When you’re feeling blue, it can be hard to muster up the physical and mental energy to do the things that make you happier. Plunking down in front of the TV or digging into a tub of ice cream seems like an easier fix.

However, research shows (and you know it’s true) that these aren’t the routes to feeling better. In the next hour, check off as many of the following items as possible. Each of these accomplishments will lift your mood, as will the mere fact that you’ve tackled and achieved some concrete goals.

1. Boost your energy: stand up and pace while you talk on the phone or, even better, take a brisk ten-minute walk outside. Research shows that when people move faster, their metabolism speeds up, and the activity and sunlight are good for your focus, your mood, and the retention of information. Plus, because of “emotional contagion,” if you act energetic, you’ll help the people around you feel energetic, too.

2. Reach out to friends: make a lunch date or call a
friend you haven’t seen in a while. Having warm, close bonds with
other people is one of the keys to happiness, so take the time to stay in touch. Somewhat surprisingly, it turns out that socializing boosts the moods not only of extroverts, but also of introverts.

3. Rid yourself of a nagging task: answer a difficult email, purchase something you need, or call to make that beauty spa’s appointment. Crossing an irksome chore off your to-do list will give you a big rush of energy and cheer, and you’ll be surprised that you procrastinated for so long.

4. Create a calmer environment: clear some physical and mental space around your desk by sorting papers, pitching junk, stowing supplies, sending out quick responses, filing, or even just making your piles neater. A large stack of little tasks can feel overwhelming, but often just a few minutes of work can make a sizeable dent. Try to get in the habit of using the “one minute rule”—i.e., never postpone any task that can be completed in less than one minute. An uncluttered environment will contribute to a more serene mood.

5. Lay the groundwork for some future fun: buy a book you’ve been wanting to read (important: not something you think you should read, but something you want to read) or plan a weekend excursion to somewhere, sporting event, gardening store, movie
theater—whatever sounds like fun. Studies show that having fun on a regular basis is a pillar of happiness, and anticipation is an
important part of that pleasure. Try to involve friends or family, as
well; people enjoy almost all activities more when they’re with other people than when they’re alone.

6. Do a good deed: make an introduction of two people who could
help each other, or set up a blind date for your two friends , or shoot someone a piece of useful information or gratifying praise. Do good, feel good—this really works. Also, although we often believe that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act. When you act in a friendly way, you’ll strengthen your feelings of friendliness for other people.

7. Act happy: put a smile on your face right now, and keep smiling. Research shows that even an artificially induced smile has a positive influence on your emotions—turns out that just going through the motion of happiness brightens your mood. And if you’re smiling, other people will perceive you as being friendlier and more approachable.

8. Listen to your favorite music. Studies show that listening to music is one of the most effective ways to boost your energy and mood (second only to exercise). In fact, in one study, 92% of people felt happier when they listened to music they liked. For an added boost, dance around the room, too. (I am notorious in giving crazy tips, anyway it works)

Some people worry that wanting to be happier is a selfish goal. To the contrary, Studies show that happier people are more sociable,
likeable, healthy, and productive—and they’re more inclined to help other people. So in working to boost your own happiness, you’re benefiting others as well. In fact, I think we have a duty to be happy.

Feel happier yet?

Different degrees of truthfulness

Posted in Life tips, Uncategorized at 3:41 pm by g3space

|
And the reason for my confession is that I learn my lesson
And I really think you ought to know the truth
Because I lied and I cheated and I lied a little more
But after I did it I don’t know what I did it for
I admit that I have been a little immature

~Black Eyed Peas – Don’t lie~

I try to be as sincere as I can and I strongly believe that sincerity
is the key for solving most of humanity’s problems. If only Adam
hadn’t lied to God … or for the ones less religious, if only
politicians wouldn’t lie so much!

But there are too many complicated situations to tell only the truth.You have to be diplomat, not to hurt the people you love or to getthat raise that will allow you to buy a new shiny car. So we arrive to dr. House’s “Everybody lies” (you really should watch that show). Yes,but what’s the measure? When to tell the truth and when it’s safe to tell a lie? Another of my strong beliefs is that equilibrium brings us one step closer to happiness. In this case, it’s all about balance between truth and lie.

But you can’t say there’s only truth; there are big lies, lies, little
lies, joking, truth, the big truth.

So let’s start with big lies – when do they appear and when they canbe used? In very serious situations, let’s call them crisis scenarios,people tend to lie a lot. If you have a big financial problem you’re tempted to hide your situation. Same if you’re about to get a divorce or an suspention. Well, before taking a decision spend some time thinking – the lie will improve the present situation or will make it worse? Sure that if you have had bad luck you can find yourself with some important financial problems and if you’re going to admit this your situation will get worse, but the lie will have positive effects on long term too? Was it bad luck or you have a gambling problem? The most important thing, even when you’re lying to everyone else is to always be honest with yourself. If you’re in trouble, get some help!

Next step is lies. In my opinion this is the most dangerous stage of lying. If you think a bit you’ll remember that when you were a
teenager you used to lie to your parents. Sometimes it was necessary but generally … you did it because you were used to do it. Lying is addictive! If before saying a big lie you think a lot, in this stage the lies come naturally, almost as naturally as truth. There aren’tsituation when lying is beneficial, so avoid this stage!

Then there are little lies .. so sweet little lies! If you want to go
to a concert is safer to say to your parents that you’re going to
sleepover at a friend. If you want to get some extra money from your brothers’ pocket money it’s enough to compliment your parent. If you want to be alone just don’t answer the phone. In this category you find the omissions too. Generally, little lies are profitable but just don’t overdo it,
addiction is bad!

Why did I said that joking is a degree of honesty? Because it’s easier to say the truth when you’re joking. Let’s face it, you tell a lie when you want to gain something or when you’re to embarrassed to say the truth. Well, here’s the space for joking. When you’re sure that your friend will make a fool out of himself/herself wearing that clothes it’s easier to say joyfully “my my, but today isn’t a party at the office. why did you get dressed like this?” . You can always find something funnier, I think my humor’s muse isn’t here now. Well,saying it funnier will save you from a fight and it’s nicer than saying “you really don’t look good in that”.

And than there’s truth. I consider the truth the best stage of all. If
you have the guts to say it always you’re going to be appreciated for your qualities. Of course that not everybody can accept the truth but the most people will accept it and will love you for being sincere. In relationships is better to use the truth even if you or your significant other will be hurt. It will hurt less than the lies and that’s the only way to remain together.

The last stage is the big truth. That’s a little more special; it’s
not for everybody, but only for the people you care about. When you’re about to make some important decisions in your life, that is the moment to talk about big truths. You want to move away from to somewhere? You want to start a business? It’s the moment to talk it over with a good friend in order to make sure that you make the right decisions. The big truths are only about you and your important changes in your life. Pick someone special to talk and say it. You’ll feel a strange relief.

P.S. I’ve got the impression that I talked more about lies than about truth.(winK) I was honest though…

21 phrases to use to help you FIGHT RIGHT with your sweetheart..

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:48 am by g3space

Almost all couples fight; the secret is to fight right.

I’ve posted before about what NOT to say during a fight. Here are some
phrases that will actually help.

When the Big Man and I are arguing, I find that the single best
technique to apply is HUMOR. If one of us can laugh and joke around,
the crabby mood lifts instantly. But during an argument, it can be
hard to see the funny side of things.

Failing that, here are twenty-one phrases that help turn down the heat of anger:

Please try to understand my point of view.
Wait, can I take that back?
You don’t have to solve this—it helps me just to talk to you.
This is important to me. Please listen.
I overreacted, I’m sorry.
I see you’re in a tough position.
I can see my part in this.
I hadn’t thought of it that way before.
I could be wrong.
Let’s agree to disagree on that.
This isn’t just your problem, it’s our problem.
I’m feeling unappreciated.
We’re getting off the subject.
You’ve convinced me.
Please keep talking to me.
I realize it’s not your fault.
That came out all wrong.
I see how I contributed to the problem.
What are we really fighting about?
How can I make things better?
I’m sorry.
I love you.

I actually get tears in my eyes when I read this list. Such is the
uplifting power of fighting right.

5 Ways to Feel Better in Difficult Times

Posted in Uncategorized at 12:48 am by g3space

 

As much as we hear a spiritual evolution is at hand, in many ways we still live in a very physical, down and dirty world. It can feel like you are competing in a 10K with a bum leg.

Whether you are fighting  with your beloved or negotiating with your creditors, this is simply not the life you imagined for yourself. The truth is when people tell you how good life is, sometimes you just want to slap them.

You understand the concept of having a positive attitude — you are not a moron. But the reality is you have another emi payment due, and not enough money in the bank. Okay, let’s all agree, this sucks. You have people counting on you—you wife/husband, you son, your ex-wife, your
friends,house owner, your IRS agent, your Mom, etc, etc.

Now that we are on the same page (facing the reality that life is not fair) what can you do about it? Here are five practical things you can do to ease the pain, these steps really worked for me.:

1. Write. If you’ve never gotten in the habits on putting your thoughts on paper, start now. Keep a pad and pen next to your nightstand, next to your coffee pot, in your bathroom, on your kitchen counter, and on your bed.

When you have a predominate feeling, write it down. Pissed off? Write it down. Feeling blue? Write it down. Feeling anxious? Write it down.What were you thinking about when this feeling came up? What part of your body did it come from? What does it make you feel like doing? Write it down.

2. Visualize. Let’s say you just had a passing thought of how your wife screamed at you two days ago (in front of your son). Okay, you have her picture in your mind, and your son is there next to you, wincing on cue—like father, like son. Change the face of your wife.Put in Santa’s face instead. He got the white beard, the big ruby cheeks, the bright red hat with the puffy ball—the whole she bang.

Instead of your wifes’ sweet raspy voice, you hear Santa joyfully ask you and your son what would make you happy. Santa says, “You name it,you got!” Cut to you and your boy—excited with anticipation.( I may sound child-like but it works dude, in my case I replaced my ex- boss face)

3. Breathe. Once you have wiggled your way to a happier state of mind, breathe. Breathe deeply three or four times. Focus on you’re the breath coming in and your tummy rising. Breathe out, focusing on your body decompressing. Allow you breath to get to a normal, even place so that it feels balanced. Notice an energy moving from inside you, and experience the sensation it brings.

4. Meditate. Allow whatever thoughts you have to be there. If Santa is still there, that’s great. If your wife/boss reappeared, so be it. Don’t judge the clips of flashing thoughts, simply observe them as if you were watching the picnic videos/ cricket . Know that you have no control over what happens on the field in front of you. Begin to see that there are really no good or bad actions, only different ones.Enjoy the variety and contrast-it makes for an enjoyable game.

5. Practice this new perspective in the real world.

By this time you have your eyes open, and there is no Santa, and no wife/boss in front of you. Your thoughts are still moving in and out of your consciousness, but you do not feel controlled by them. Your problems have not disappeared but you start to look at them in a new way. You do not allow yourself to become emotionally reactive to events that take place( its’ quiet hard for a sensitve soul but it works to a large extend if you can offer a constant effort). Then you tackle your problems objectively, like a surgeon removing cancerous matter from an open body.

Your dispassionate focus allows your mind to be clear of unnecessary,disparaging thoughts and emotions. Through this clear lens, problems become challenges, and challenges become opportunities for learning.When a so-called problem now arises, you welcome it. Wisdom is one step closer.

The steps listed above may seem a bit simplistic. They are in a way,but what makes them challenging is that they need to be done consistently, every day, throughout the day. There are no easy answers, and no quick fixes to dealing with chaotic events.

A life of greater ease is open to those who possess wisdom and patience — it’s a good thing you were created with these wonderful qualities. Remember that you are made from divine energy, pure source, our inner source. All you have to do is be open, and let it flow.

 I would like to conclude this post by quoting Gibran Khalil Gibran “ How beautiful life is, but how far we are from it?”

Let me add one more g3 point, life always gives choices to remain far or to be close. It ‘s upto us dear… We can make it beautiful…yes we can.

February 23, 2010

How To Become a Highly Productive Night Owl

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:45 am by g3space

 

 Being an early riser has its benefits, but it isn’t for everyone. Some of humanity’s greatest minds (Voltaire for example) were renowned for sleeping in. Depending on personality, environment, and work schedule, being an early riser may not be practical.

A couple of months ago I gave early rising a try. I was able to wake up 1-1.5 hours earlier, but I couldn’t adjust to the early bed time. Each night around 10:00, no matter how tired I’d felt that day, my mind became active and I was unable to shut down until after 1:00(it’s my minimum) . After a few weeks, sleep deprivation set in and I went back to my normal sleep pattern.

For those of us who experience a late night surge of mental activity, waking before 6.30 a.m. can lead to exhaustion. Sleep schedule depends on many factors and is subject to change, but it’s important to find what works for you. Fortunately, those of us who aren’t suited to early rising can be just as productive by utilizing those quiet evening hours.

Late rising isn’t automatically beneficial. It has a negative connotation because, if poorly managed, sleeping late leads to perpetual grogginess and wasted days. Here are few strategies I’ve developed for effective late rising.( I think I have a special talent in glorifying not- so- good habit. ) anyway here some tips which has been proved effective in authors life.(I get an immense pleasure when I mention me as an author) am I getting deviated from the topic as always? then Here we go…

Don’t Over Sleep

The biggest temptation with late rising is to over sleep. Too much sleep is a bad thing. Rather than feeling more rested, it makes you lethargic.   Having a regular wake up time is just as important for night owls as it is for early risers. If you don’t set a schedule, you’ll have a hard time being productive. (Big man put forward this opinion to improvise me)

Don’t Sleep Too Late

Along the same lines, I’ve found that late rising is best in moderation. Sleeping until mid-afternoon can ruin an entire day. It throws off your biological clock, leaving you mentally dull, and makes it harder to get to sleep at a reasonable hour the following night. For me, the ideal wake up time is between 7:30 and 09:30 a.m( looking down on floor.). This gives me a chance to get the 6-8 hours of sleep that I need without oversleeping or losing too much of the day( no one can beat me in finding excuses, but don’t misinterpret my true intentions to help out my fellow late sleepers).

Set a Cut off Time

The challenge with being productive at night is that it’s hard to wind down. This can lead to late nights that throw off your schedule. The way to manage this is setting a cut off time. I set my cut off time for an hour before bed time, usually around 12:30-01:00. After the cut off time I stop working and wind down. I switch to mentally relaxing activities like minor household chores and light reading. I’d also recommend avoiding television and the computer completely. The brightness of the screen can trick your brain into thinking its day. Although there will always be those nights when I ride a rush of creativity until 3:00 or 4:00 a.m., it’s better to make that the exception.

Schedule around Your Energy Cycle

To maximize productivity it’s important to leverage the natural peaks of your energy cycle. Late rising works best for people who peak in the evening. If this is the case, you should create a schedule that lets you work at night. I’ve found mid-mornings to be productive, so I’ve built my schedule around a morning and evening shift.

After getting up around 8:00 or 9:00, I eat breakfast and work for 4-5 hours. By early afternoon my energy fades and I switch from creative work to less demanding tasks. Around 8:00 p.m. I have another energy peak and work the night shift until my cut off time at 11:00. Although it can be tough to schedule around a 9-5 job, you can probably figure out a way to take advantage of your evening energy peak by working from home or on side projects(for me most of my shows are charted before noon, I used to get in trouble if it was vice versa until I make sure proper sleep previous day; atleast)

Take Advantage of Distraction Free Evenings

Early risers rave about the productivity of the wee morning hours before the rest of us wake up. Late risers have a similar advantage on the other end. By working in the evening we can avoid the distractions of meetings, and phone calls other demands. For me, the evening is when I’m able to break free from the outside world and immerse myself in mentally challenging work. Some people can’t concentrate at night, but I’ve found it’s the easiest time get into creative work flow without interruption.

It’s all about finding what works best for you. As a night person in her early twenties’ who tend to keep late hours, I found early rising problematic. As I get older and my living situation evolves, it’s entirely possible I’ll join the 6.am yoga. Until then I’ll continue to take pride in being a highly productive night owl. Long live night owls

February 22, 2010

Thirteen tips for dealing with a really lousy day..

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:11 pm by g3space

We all have really lousy days from time to time. A bad work or school
evaluation, a potential crush who turns out not to be interested, a
fight with your  sweet heart, a worrisome call from a friend…lousy
days take many forms.

Here are some tips for getting through it:

1. Resist the urge to “treat” yourself. Often, the things we choose as
“treats” aren’t good for us. The pleasure lasts a minute, but then
feelings of guilt, loss of control, and other negative consequences
just deepen the lousiness of the day. So when you find yourself
thinking, “I’ll feel better after I have a few beers…a pint of ice
cream…a cigarette…a new pair of jeans,” ask yourself – will it REALLY make you feel better? It might make you feel worse.

2. Do something nice for someone else. “Do good, feel good” – this
really works. A friend going through a horrible period told me that
she was practically addicted to doing good deeds; that was the only
thing that made her feel better. However, don’t put too much pressure
on yourself now. Don’t start planning an elaborate surprise party;
email/text some personal how-much- you-mean-to-me messages to your loved ones.

3. Distract yourself.. Watching a funny movie or TV show is a great way to take a break. It might even be a good idea to have an emergency stash ready by the TV, for bad times.

4. Seek inner peace through outer order. Soothe yourself by tackling a
messy closet, an untidy desk, or crowded countertops. The sense of
tangible progress, control, and orderliness will lighten your mood.
This always works for me – and fortunately, my family is messy enough
that I always have plenty of therapeutic clutter at hand.

5. Tell yourself, “Well, at least I…” Get some things accomplished.
Yes, you had a horrible day, but at least you went to the gym, or
played with your kids, or walk with your best friend for a while, or read a magazine.

6. Exercise is an extremely effective mood booster – but be careful of
exercise that allows you to ruminate. For example, if I go for a treadmill exercisewhen I’m upset about something, I often end up feeling worse, because it provides me with uninterrupted time in which to dwell
obsessively on my troubles.so I prefer a light-walk on a medium-crowded street

7. Stay in contact. When you’re having a lousy day, it’s tempting to
retreat into isolation. Studies show, though, that contact with other
people boosts mood. So try to see or talk to people, especially people
you’re close to.

8. It’s a cliché, but things really will look brighter in the morning.
Go to bed early and start the next day anew. Also, sleep deprivation
puts a drag on mood in the best of circumstances, so a little extra
sleep will do you good.

9. Remind yourself of your other identities. If you feel like a loser
at work, send out a blast invitation to engage with college friends. If you
think members of the PTA are mad at you, don’t miss the instrumental class where everyone knows and likes you.

10. Keep perspective. Ask yourself: “Will this matter in a month? In a
year?” I recently came across a note I’d written to myself years ago,
that said “EXAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I dimly remember the panic I felt about
dealing with exam that year; but it’s all lost and forgotten now.

11. Write it down. When something horrible is consuming my mind, I
find that if I write up a paragraph or two about the situation, I get
immense relief.

12. Use the emergency mood tool-kit. For an emergency happiness
intervention, try these tips for getting a boost in the next HOUR.

13. Be grateful. Remind yourself that a LOUSY day isn’t a CATASTROPHIC day. Be grateful that you’re still on the “lousy” spectrum.

Tips for phrases you should NOT allow yourself to say to your sweetheart

Posted in Uncategorized at 2:45 pm by g3space

Research shows that the quality of a couple’s friendship plays a huge
role in their happiness with their marriage’s romance and passion.

Kindness and helpfulnssssess may not sound like particularly sexy
qualities, but turns out – they are. A recent  New-Gen cartoon
summed this up perfectly. A guy in an SUV is talking into his cell
phone: “Hey, baby, I just dropped the kids off at school, and now I’m
going to the grocery store, and then I’m going home and unloading the
car – am I making you hot?”

I’m working hard to nag less, to say “Thanks” more often, to be more
light-hearted, and to stop slinking away when I see the Big Man doing
a task.

I’m also trying to “fight right” – to use gentle words, keep a sense
of humor, and let the sun go down on my anger.

Here are some phrases I’ve eliminated (I hope) from my conversation.
I’ve learned that you just can’t say such things if you’re trying to
fight right:

Don’t start.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Haven’t we already had this conversation?
Can’t we talk about this later?
Never mind (sigh), it’s not important.
You always do that.
For once, could you XXX without making a big deal about it?
Enough already.
Can’t we just go?
My personal favorite: Can I tell you one thing? (The Big Man has
learned to answer “No!”).

Here’s a truly horrible phrase that I actually did say once, and I
writhe with shame every time I remember it: “I have started hating myself ” Aaaaack!
Can you imagine?

Five tips for how to FIGHT RIGHT with your sweetheart…

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:15 pm by g3space

Many couples try to “solve” their problems, when in fact, many
problems can’t be solved. How much time to spend with the in-laws, how
to spend money, How to acccepting others as they are, how to discipline children, who does various chores…these arguments will happen over and over. They aren’t problems that can be permanently fixed.

So one thing I’ve thought a lot about is how the Big Man and I can
fight right. How can we have arguments that are productive and loving,
not exhausting, unpleasant, and pointless?

I’m much more likely to tackle a subject. The Big Man tries to avoid
an argument at all cost – usually, with the simple tactic of not
answering me when I raise some difficult issue – which just makes me
madder, of course.

I can’t say that I’ve made a huge amount of progress, but these are
the tips I’m trying to follow, in order to fight right:

1. Joke about the conflict. This is hardest for me, but also the most
effective. For example, seemingly out of pure cussedness, the Big Man
often refuses to give me information – silly things, like what was the rest of the sentence which he stopped in half a way or which I couldn’t hear properly due to network probem( anyway that’s, not my mistake for sure). It drives me crazy. Sometimes he never stops questioning me when I am in trouble, I know its’ his way of dealing with it.The last time he did it, I managed to say, “Are you my principal? Why is everything
around here seems like my school days?” He laughed, I laughed, and I
felt a lot better. He hasn’t changed his behavior, but I’ve lightened
up about it.

2. Take a break. Marriage expert John Gottman recommends a
twenty-minute recess if an argument gets too heated. This strategy
works well, but it’s tough to think to do it when you’re in the midst
of a fight. Sometimes it happens by chance, when the phone rings or
the dog throws up.

3. Throw money at the problem. Hiring a servant  to do house hold chores,
buying prepared food( sometimes), or getting a babysitter once a week might eliminate a source of friction. Peace in a relationship is a high
happiness priority, so this is a place to spend money if it can help.

4. Hug and kiss.  This goes a long way – especially during an argument, when a quick hug or even sound of kiss through phone can transform the mood. To optimize the flow of mood-boosting chemicals like oxytocin and serotonin, hold your hug for at least six seconds.

5. Make “repair attempts.” During a fight, make gestures to keep
things from getting too ugly. Laugh; throw in a comment like, “I know
what you’re talking about,” “I see what you mean,” or “I’m trying to
do better,”; admit where you’re wrong, and most important – I have to
remind myself of this often – let the fight end. Let it go. Have the
discussion, then change the subject.

five tips for giving good praise..:.

Posted in Uncategorized at 7:56 am by g3space

 

I’m a praise junkie.( for me praise just means praise, that sincere ones; not-at-all flattering stuffs) I really, really need those gold stars. I know I’ve got to get over it. One of my most important happiness-project resolutions is “Don’t expect praise or appreciation.” I think about that resolution every day. But guys, it’s hard to keep.

For example, I just went through a major self improvement project – and I mean MAJOR – that took a lot of time and effort on my part. Which, I admit, I accomplished with a minimum of grace. I tried, oh how I tried, but I just couldn’t muster it.

As I’ve done before, I begged the Big Man to manipulate me with praise! I urged him to sucker me into doing this project cheerfully by heaping gold stars on me! But he wouldn’t.(brutally honest)

I know the way to happiness is to be FREE of the craving for praise,not to need someone to pat me on the back. I know that. I should be the source of my own sense of satisfaction, of happiness; I should know that I’ve done a job well and not depend on someone else’s opinion.

. But I still crave praise – and because the
closest and easiest source would be the Big Man, I get frustrated when he won’t give it to me. Which he doesn’t. Yes, I know that’s not his job, and that I shouldn’t depend on him for it. Like I said, I’m working on not needing it.

Recently, as I fumed about all the ways in which the Big Man wasn’t feeding my praise addiction, these tips occurred to me. They apply to all kinds of relationships — friendship, work, romance, family. It’s nice to be able to give praise effectively; it means a lot to people to receive sincere praise — even people more mature than I( I admit am helplessly mature in some specific matters n am working on it also).

So here comes 5 g3 spl fool proof tips for giving good praise

1. Be specific. You read this in a lot of parenting advice: praise means more when it’s specific than when it’s general. “What a beautiful painting!” is less gratifying than “Look at all the colors you’ve used! And I see you used all your fingers with the finger paints. You’ve really made your picture look like a spring garden!”
This is true, for adults, too. “Great job,” is less satisfying than an enumeration of what, exactly, was done well.

2. Acknowledge the actor.

The Big Man has a habit of saying something complimentary without acknowledging that I had anything to do with whatever result he’s talking about. For example, , he looked around once and remarked, “This really turned out well.” As if some deus ex machina had brought these changes overnight.
Aaargh.Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

3. The effusiveness and time spent in giving praise should be commensurate with the difficulty and time intensiveness of the task.If a task was quick and easy, a hasty “Looks great!” will do; if a task was protracted and difficult, the praise should be more lengthy and descriptive. Also, you might bring up the praise more than once.

4. Remember the negativity bias. The “negativity bias” is a
well-recognized psychological phenomenon: people react to the bad more strongly and persistently than to the comparable good. For example,within marriage, it takes at least five good acts to repair the damage of one critical or destructive act(same law is applicable to people in love). So if you want to praise someone,remember that one critical comment will wipe out several positive comments, and will be far more memorable. To stay silent, and then remark something like, “It’s too bad that that door couldn’t befixed,” will be perceived as highly critical.

5. Praise the everyday as well as the exceptional. When people do something unusual, it’s easy to remember to give praise. But what about the things they do well every day without any recognition? It never hurts to point out how much you appreciate the small services and tasks that someone unfailingly performs. Something like, “You know what? In three years, I don’t think you’ve ever been even an hour late with the weekly report.” After all, we never forget to make a comment when someone screws up.

If anyone has any tips for how to free yourself from the craving for praise, send them my way! I really need them. The need for praise is such an ingrained part of my personality that I doubt I’d be able to change completely, but I can do better.

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